Message-ID: <3533412.1075855464537.JavaMail.evans@thyme> Date: Thu, 29 Nov 2001 11:20:09 -0800 (PST) From: j.kaminski@enron.com To: vkaminski@aol.com Subject: FW: Dilbert Newsletter 39.0 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-From: Kaminski, Vince J X-To: 'vkaminski@aol.com' X-cc: X-bcc: X-Folder: \Vincent_Kaminski_Jan2002_1\Kaminski, Vince J\Sent Items X-Origin: Kaminski-V X-FileName: vkamins (Non-Privileged).pst -----Original Message----- From: Scott Adams <2.5185.e4-3jHS_amWG2PR.1@ummail1.unitedmedia.com>@ENRON Sent: Wednesday, November 28, 2001 5:44 PM To: vkamins@ect.enron.com Subject: Dilbert Newsletter 39.0 Dilbert Newsletter 39.0 ----------------------- To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC) From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com) Date: December 2001 Highlights ------------------------------------------------- * New DNRC Word * Boss and Cow-orker quotes * Plop Version 2.0 * True Tales of Induhviduals * My Holiday Message ------------------------------------------------- DNRC Update ----------- The 400,000 members of DNRC continue to get smarter and better looking every day. Case in point: I am typing this newsletter using telekinesis while watching CNN in an adjoining room. And if I'm not mistaken, Paula Zahn is trying to flirt with me. New DNRC Word ------------- A DNRC member suggests this new word for Osama's terrorist organization: Al-Qae-duh. I would love to have been a fly in Osama's beard last year when he was discussing his plan for global conquest. Osama: "I have an idea. Let's attack the most powerful nation in the history of the universe and then hide in caves." Omar: "All in favor, say eye!" That might sound like a crazy plan to many of you, but you need to realize that Osama grew up in Saudi Arabia where that sort of strategy has worked in the past. In the November 12th issue of Newsweek there's a "Special Advertising Section" where Saudi Arabia's public relations firm describes the wonderful history of Saudi Arabia. In 1901 a guy named Ibn Saud, along with his cousin and 38 buddies, climbed over the fortress wall in Riyadh and waited until the Amir came strolling by. Then Ibn and his cousin hacked the Amir to death with swords. At this point in the story -- so you don't think I'm making up this whole thing -- I quote from Saudi Arabia's own P.R. article: "The Riyadh garrison, demoralized by the death of their leader, and fearing they faced a far larger force than 40 men, surrendered." That's right; Ibn conquered a whole city with 40 men, of which 38 were just standing around watching. Eventually the Saud family consolidated power, named the country after themselves and formed a royal dynasty that is still in power. That's the inspirational story that little Osama learned in school when he was growing up. Who's crazy now? True Quotes from Induhviduals ----------------------------- Here are more true quotes submitted by DNRC members. Most of these are from managers. As you will see, Induhviduals are confused by anything involving critters or body parts. "It's an exercise in fertility." "Hindsight is 50-50." "Just use your own excretion." "You are never going to fail unless you try." "We're scraping the bottom of the iceberg." "Today is like the day Rome was built in. We can't afford to have any fiddlers." "The project is going down the toilet in flames." "He might be barking at a red herring." "You're treading on thin water." I think he meant we should cross our T's and dot our I's but it came out this way: "Be sure we all cross our eyes." "He's as deaf as a bat." "We don't want to stick our necks out and get our asses chopped off." "I gave him a real mouthful." "I really took the bull by the hands." "He doesn't know his hole from an ass in the ground." "You should talk to her. She is a minefield of information." "I can't remember but it's right on the tip of my head!" "You can lead a pig to pearls..." and then he trailed off. "Thanksgiving is early this year because the first Thursday fell on a Monday." "The skeleton is there. You just have to sharpen it and put the decorations on the tree." And this last quote, which may or may not have come from Osama: "We need an escape goat." Plop Version 2.0 ----------------- In case you ever decide to start your own comic strip and you want to solicit opinions from other people, let me give you this piece of valuable advice. You should never -- and I mean NEVER -- give the comic a name that rhymes with any of the following words: Flop Drop Stop That little rhyming opportunity was not lost on about two hundred of you who thought Plop was not up to DNRC quality. Fortunately, some people actually liked Plop. I read every comment and the breakdown looks roughly like this: Loved it: 33% Liked it: 46% (thought it has potential) Loathed it: 21% That's a great response for a first draft of a comic. Comic strips normally get developed for several months before the public sees them. You're in on the ground floor. Version 2.0 of Plop incorporates many of your comments. I renamed Plop (because Plop was the name of a comic book in the past), I changed Smokey's species, I made Plop more optimistic, I addressed the hip-deep mud question and I started to fill out the personalities of the main characters. Only a few people were bothered by the physical similarity to the Taliban, so I'm not going to let that bother me if the comic develops into something worthwhile. The new and improved strips are posted on the Web at http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/plop/ and begin with #21. All comments and rhyming insults are appreciated. Induhvidual Baby Names ---------------------- Here is further proof that all Induhviduals should be given the same name to keep things simple. -- A doctor friend of mine was on hand for a delivery in a maternity unit. The mother named her daughter Placenta. -- I once knew a person with the tuneful name of Listerine. -- My wife was a public social worker in South Carolina many years ago. One of her case families had a daughter named Syphilis. The family pronounced it in two parts: Syph-Philis. One day my wife asked the mother how they came to name the child Syph Philis. The mother said the hospital named her, and she got a copy of the birth certificate to prove it. On the birth certificate was an annotation that the child was "born of a mother with syphilis." The mother assumed the hospital had named her child for her. (Editor's note: That one sounds like an urban legend to me. Let me know if you've heard it before.) Saving the World ---------------- Here's a fun mental exercise. Try to think of any problem in the world that wouldn't be reduced if we all did some extra shopping this year. How about terrorism? Let's see, if we shop a little extra, that stimulates the economy, which increases tax collections, which pays for more security. Ta-dah! How about unemployment? Shopping --> stimulated economy --> more hiring. How about diseases? Shopping --> stimulated economy --> funding for research. So I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that buying Dilbert merchandise will solve every problem in the world. But don't think the burden falls entirely on you. I'll meet you halfway by listing some suggestions. - Dilbert 2002 Day-To-Day Calendar. It's like having a book that you can tear up one page per day. You can find the calendar at this link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740715674/ref=ase_unitedmedia/104-2285776-7245555 - "When Did Ignorance Become a Point of View?" The newest collection of Dilbert comics is ideal for tormenting your boss. You can find the book at: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740718398/qid%3D999892906/sr%3D2-1/ref%3Daps%5Fsr%5Fb%5F1%5F1/103-8132560-1423852 - "God's Debris" - Ponder the collision of science and God with my first non-Dilbert book. (Example: Do clones have souls?) Some people are calling it the best book they've ever read. Others say you shouldn't read it. You can find "God's Debris" here: http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/books/index.html - Dilbert posters - you can get any Dilbert strip published in the last 90 days printed on a poster, framed or unframed. Selected older favorites are also available. You can order Dilbert posters at: http://www.cafepress.com/unitedmedia/category.aspx?category=dilbert - "The Dog is Not a Toy" - It's a "Get Fuzzy" comic collection, a must-have for the serious comic fan. Follow this link to order a copy: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740713922/unitedmedia - Same day Dilbert and Get Fuzzy products - get today's strip printed on shirts and other products. - You can get free shipping through December 3rd on orders over $50 for posters, T-shirts and sweatshirts (shipped within the U.S.) For same day strips and details on free shipping, follow this link: http://www.cafepress.com/unitedmedia/ - Dilbert and Peanuts mints in collectible tins - get free shipping through December 1st (shipped within the continental U.S.). For Dilbert Mints: http://www.candy2you.com/store/merchant.mv?Screen=CTGY&Store_Code=CS&Category_Code=D&Affiliate=Dilbert For Peanuts Mints: http://www.candy2you.com/store/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=CS&Product_Code=R60004&Category_Code=R http://www.candy2you.com/store/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=CS&Product_Code=R60011&Category_Code=R - New Yorker cartoons - you can now get prints or T-shirts of current New Yorker cartoons, and mugs will soon be available. http://www.comics.com/cartoonbank/ Dilbert.com Upgrade ------------------- Some Dilbert.com features won't be available while the web servers are upgraded, from December 3rd through December 9th. These include List of the Day voting and e-mail subscriptions. If you've been thinking about getting a free Daily Dilbert subscription, you can sign up now at: http://www.dilbert.com/dailydilbert/registration You don't need to do anything for your e-mail to start up again after the upgrade. Things Not To Say in a Restroom ------------------------------- I hope this doesn't spawn a new category, but these two reports were worth mentioning. -- As I entered the restroom, a cow-orker who had just finished his business, turned to me and said, "Oh, hey, Brent, I was just thinking about you." -- At my last job, just as I was entering a restroom, a cow-orker said, "Say, can I grab you when you're done?" True Tales of Induhviduals -------------------------- One of the young ladies in our office is getting ready for her "dream" vacation to Mount Rushmore. My colleague asked her to bring him back a picture of the other side of the mountain. When she asked why, he proceeded to convince her that on the other side of Mount Rushmore are the backs of the presidents, on their knees, with their heads stuck into the mountain. She is so excited that she is going to look for a special tour of the backside. -- I went to a home improvement store to buy a new faucet for my kitchen sink. I did not see the particular model I had in mind, so I asked one of the Induhvidual employees for assistance. He said, "We stopped selling that model because it was the number one theft item in the store." I waited to hear the punchline, until I realized he was serious. I might have to find a new home improvement store if they ever achieve their goal of carrying no products worth stealing. -- During a round of layoffs at the company, a farewell card for one unfortunate cow-orker was circulated. People were signing the card with "good luck!" and "Been great working with you" and so on. When the card got to the desk of one manager, he did not bother to read the card. He just wrote "Happy Birthday" and signed his name. -- A pool hall put up a sign in their front window that read: "Profound language prohibited within." I could just imagine some people discussing the meaning of life and being told to take it outside. -- While traveling on business in Norfolk, Nebraska, I noticed a Ramada Inn sign: "Plan your next affair here" The next day the sign was taken down. -- At a business lunch, platters of calamari were passed down the tables. As a platter reached one of the employee's wives, she was heard to remark during an unfortunate lull in the conversation, "No, thanks. I never eat anything with testicles attached." The stricken silence lasted a few moments. Then 150 people lost it. -- I work in a camera store. An Induhvidual came in and said his camera wasn't working and asked me if I could look at it. I agreed and said I would check the battery first. The Induhvidual said, "I've had this battery for five years and I've never had any problems with it before." I changed the battery and the camera worked. -- I would like to shove a live bear cub up my boss's nose and then have the mother bear go after him whenever he opens a phone conversation with, "Hi buddy how's it going yeah me too!" -- My boss was having a discussion with another employee about some work rules that pertain to people doing manual labor. He said these rules don't apply to us because we don't use manuals. -- Yesterday my boss called me and said, "Effective immediately, I want you to stop your current activity and start working on this new area." When I asked specifically what I was supposed to do, he replied: "It was not my intention to give you a task today, just a mind-set!" My Holiday Message ------------------ I've written and rewritten this section a dozen times. My problem is that no matter how much I write, I keep condensing it down to the same thought: This holiday season, as we laugh and eat and shop and enjoy friends and family, our soldiers are in Afghanistan risking everything for us. Some of them won't come back. The rest will never be the same. Every one of them volunteered. They think we're worth it. Let's prove them right. Dilbert Fodder --------------- What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses. And I love True Tales of Induhviduals. And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be mocked, I can help. Send your suggestions to me at scottadams@aol.com. Short ones are better. 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