Message-ID: <18382909.1075842666145.JavaMail.evans@thyme> Date: Wed, 16 Jun 1999 06:48:00 -0700 (PDT) From: gerald.nemec@enron.com To: paul.pfeffer@enron.com Subject: Survival Guide Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-From: Gerald Nemec X-To: Paul Pfeffer X-cc: X-bcc: X-Folder: \Gerald_Nemec_Dec2000_June2001_1\Notes Folders\Sent X-Origin: NEMEC-G X-FileName: gnemec.nsf >> > Subject: 1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work >> > >> > We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked >> > back in our >> > cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we >> > try to convince ourselves who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the........... >> > >> > 1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. >> > >> > Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure >> > pleasure. >> > >> > ESCAPEE >> > Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or >> > forcing >> > poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of >> > panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive >> > when passing >> > an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not >> > acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next >> > to the >> > farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes >> > an >> > escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or >> > laughing makes >> > both parties feel uneasy. >> > >> > JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee) >> > Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine >> > guns pace. >> > This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this >> > should happen >> > do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom >> > so to >> > spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. >> > >> > COURTESY FLUSH >> > Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone >> > of the poop >> > log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed >> > location. >> > This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the >> > bathroom. This >> > can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. >> > >> > WALK OF SHAME >> > Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you >> > have just >> > stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if >> > someone walks >> > in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not >> > exist. >> > >> > OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER >> > Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. >> > You will >> > often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a >> > newspaper or >> > magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out >> > of the >> > Closet pooper before entering the bathroom. >> > >> > THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) >> > Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure >> > emergency pooping >> > goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the >> > whereabouts >> > of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS. >> > >> > SAFE HAVEN >> > Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where >> > you can >> > least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the >> > opposite sex. >> > This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the >> > bathroom. >> > >> > TURD BURGLAR >> > Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall >> > and tries to >> > force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable >> > moments >> > that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in >> > the stall >> > until the TURD BURG leaves. This way you will avoid all >> > uncomfortable eye contact. >> > >> > CAMO-COUGH >> > Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the >> > bathroom that >> > you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to >> > alert >> > potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with >> > an >> > ASTAIRE. >> > >> > ASTAIRE >> > Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD >> > BURGLARS that >> > you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall >> > is >> > occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so >> > the pooper >> > can poop in peace. >> > >> > WATERMELON >> > Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet >> > water. >> > This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON >> > coming on, >> > create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. >> > >> > HAVANA OMELET >> > Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes >> > in the >> > toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a >> > CAMO-COUGH with an >> > ASTAIRE. >> > >> > UNCLE TED >> > Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. >> > Could spend >> > extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. >> > An UNCLE >> > TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should >> > always wait >> > to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as >> > well as the >> > other bathroom attendees. >> > >> > FLY BY >> > Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk >> > in, check >> > for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and >> > come back >> > again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become >> > suspicious >> > if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. >> > >> > CRACK WHORE >> > Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. >> > Tell tale >> > signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. >> > Avoid a >> > CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans >> > each >> > particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE >> > HAVEN.