Message-ID: <27973053.1075841377104.JavaMail.evans@thyme> Date: Thu, 31 Jan 2002 08:22:24 -0800 (PST) From: parks_kim@da.co.harris.tx.us To: joe.parks@enron.com, bill.moore@enron.com, bryan.vaclavik@enron.com Subject: FW: Over and out Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-From: Parks, Kim X-To: Parks, Joe , Moore, Bill , Vaclavik, Bryan X-cc: X-bcc: X-Folder: \ExMerge - Parks, Joe\Deleted Items X-Origin: PARKS-J X-FileName: joe parks 6-26-02.pst Control Tower to Pilot > > > > > > The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and > > control towers from around the world: > > > > While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale > made > > a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United > > 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, > > screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right > onto > > Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know > it's > > difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it > > right!" > > > > Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting > > hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to > sort > > this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You > can > > expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you > to > > go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got > > that, US Air 2771?" > > > > "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. > > > > Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the > verbal > > bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground > controller > > in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. > Then > > an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you > once?" > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a > > three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide > spacing > > between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it > costs > > us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?" > > > > Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four > thousand > > dollars' worth." > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach > speed > > a little high. > > > > San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, > if > > able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101 and make a > right > > at the light to return to the airport." > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being > > vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. > > > > KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one > o'clock > > and three miles." > > > > Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him." > > > > KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven > o'clock > > and three miles. Do you have that traffic?" > > > > Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've > got > > something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle." > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!" > > > > Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself > > immediately!" > > > > Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." > > > > Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, > after > > we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the > runway." > > > > Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on > > 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?" > > > > Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, > we > > copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short tempered lot. > > They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to > get > > there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement > that > > we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt > ground > > control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206": > > > > Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the > > active runway." > > > > Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate." The big British > Airways > > 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. > > > > Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" > > > > Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate > location > > now." > > > > Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown > to > > Frankfurt before?" > > > > Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type > of > > Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop." > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one > > o'clock, three miles, eastbound." > > > > United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that > Fokker > > in sight." > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich > overheard > > the following: Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance > > time?" > > > > Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English." > > > > Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in > Germany. > > Why must I speak English?" > > > > Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the > bloody > > war!"