Message-ID: <2778344.1075858937907.JavaMail.evans@thyme> Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2001 17:16:43 -0700 (PDT) From: ehillegeist@hotmail.com Subject: "The Never Marrieds" Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ANSI_X3.4-1968 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-From: "Emily Hillegeist" @ENRON X-To: hollypaxman@cs.com, katyhester@hotmail.com, kerriedolce@hotmail.com, Gillette, Lisa , elizabeth.lawrence@wcom.com, Nickolle.Paschal@sstuk.com, Scott, Susan M. X-cc: X-bcc: X-Folder: \SSCOTT5 (Non-Privileged)\Scott, Susan M.\Inbox X-Origin: Scott-S X-FileName: SSCOTT5 (Non-Privileged).pst redemption for the bridget joneses of us out here.... e >> >>In My Tribe >> > > > >> > > >October 14, 2001 >> > > > >> > > >By ETHAN WATTERS >> > > > >> > > > >> > > > >> > > > >> > > >It may be true that 'never marrieds' are >> >> > saving themselves >> >>>> > > >for something better. They may also be saving >>> >> > the >> >>>> > > >institution of marriage while they're at it. >>>> > > > >>>> > > >You may be like me: between the ages of 25 and >>> >> > 39, single, >> >>>> > > >a college-educated city dweller. If so, you >>> >> > may have also >> >>>> > > >had the unpleasant experience of discovering >>> >> > that you have >> >>>> > > >been identified (by the U.S. Census Bureau, no >>> >> > less) as one >> >>>> > > >of the fastest-growing groups in America -- >>> >> > the ''never >> >>>> > > >marrieds.'' In less than 30 years, the number >>> >> > of >> >>>> > > >never-marrieds has more than doubled, >>> >> > apparently pushing >> >>>> > > >back the median age of marriage to the oldest >>> >> > it has been >> >>>> > > >in our country's history -- about 25 years for >>> >> > women and 27 >> >>>> > > >for men. >>>> > > > >>>> > > >As if the connotation of ''never married'' >>> >> > weren't negative >> >>>> > > >enough, the vilification of our group has been >>> >> > swift and >> >>>> > > >shrill. These statistics prove a ''titanic >>> >> > loss of family >> >>>> > > >values,'' according to The Washington Times. >>> >> > An article in >> >>>> > > >Time magazine asked whether ''picky'' women >>> >> > were ''denying >> >>>> > > >themselves and society the benefits of >>> >> > marriage'' and in >> >>>> > > >the process kicking off ''an outbreak of 'Sex >>> >> > and the City' >> >>>> > > >promiscuity.'' In a study on marriage >>> >> > conducted at Rutgers >> >>>> > > >University, researchers say the ''social >>> >> > glue'' of the >> >>>> > > >family is at stake, adding ominously that >>> >> > ''crime rates . . >> >>>> > > >. are highly correlated with a large >>> >> > percentage of >> >>>> > > >unmarried young males.'' >>>> > > > >>>> > > >Although I never planned it, I can tell you >>> >> > how I became a >> >>>> > > >never-married. Thirteen years ago, I moved to >>> >> > San Francisco >> >>>> > > >for what I assumed was a brief transition >>> >> > period between >> >>>> > > >college and marriage. The problem was, I >>> >> > wasn't just >> >>>> > > >looking for an appropriate spouse. To use the >>> >> > language of >> >>>> > > >the Rutgers researchers, I was ''soul-mate >>> >> > searching.'' >> >>>> > > >Like 94 percent of never-marrieds from 20 to >>> >> > 29, I, too, >> >>>> > > >agree with the statement ''When you marry, you >>> >> > want your >> >>>> > > >spouse to be your soul mate first and >>> >> > foremost.'' This >> >>>> > > >?ber-romantic view is something new. In a 1965 >>> >> > survey, >> >>>> > > >fully three out of four college women said >>> >> > they'd marry a >> >>>> > > >man they didn't love if he fit their criteria >>> >> > in every >> >>>> > > >other way. I discovered along with my friends >>> >> > that finding >> >>>> > > >that soul mate wasn't easy. Girlfriends came >>> >> > and went, as >> >>>> > > >did jobs and apartments. The constant in my >>> >> > life -- by >> >>>> > > >default, not by plan -- became a loose group >>> >> > of friends. >> >>>> > > >After a few years, that group's membership and >>> >> > routines >> >>>> > > >began to solidify. We met weekly for dinner at >>> >> > a >> >>>> > > >neighborhood restaurant. We traveled together, >>> >> > moved one >> >>>> > > >another's furniture, painted one another's >>> >> > apartments, >> >>>> > > >cheered one another on at sporting events and >>> >> > open-mike >> >>>> > > >nights. One day I discovered that the >>> >> > transition period I >> >>>> > > >thought I was living wasn't a transition >>> >> > period at all. >> >>>> > > >Something real and important had grown there. >>> >> > I belonged to >> >>>> > > >an urban tribe. >>>> > > > >>>> > > >I use the word ''tribe'' quite literally here: >>> >> > this is a >> >>>> > > >tight group, with unspoken roles and >>> >> > hierarchies, whose >> >>>> > > >members think of each other as ''us'' and the >>> >> > rest of the >> >>>> > > >world as ''them.'' This bond is clearest in >>> >> > times of >> >>>> > > >trouble. After earthquakes (or the recent >>> >> > terrorist >> >>>> > > >strikes), my instinct to huddle with and >>> >> > protect my group >> >>>> > > >is no different from what I'd feel for my >>> >> > family. >> >>>> > > > >>>> > > >Once I identified this in my own life, I began >>> >> > to see >> >>>> > > >tribes everywhere I looked: a house of >>> >> > ex-sorority women in >> >>>> > > >Philadelphia, a team of ultimate-frisbee >>> >> > players in Boston >> >>>> > > >and groups of musicians in Austin, Tex. >>> >> > Cities, I've come >> >>>> > > >to believe, aren't emotional wastelands where >>> >> > fragile >> >>>> > > >individuals with arrested development mope >>> >> > around >> >>>> > > >self-indulgently searching for true love. >>> >> > There are rich >> >>>> > > >landscapes filled with urban tribes. >>>> > > > >>>> > > >So what does it mean that we've quietly added >>> >> > the tribe >> >>>> > > >years as a developmental stage to adulthood? >>> >> > Because our >> >>>> > > >friends in the tribe hold us responsible for >>> >> > our actions, I >> >>>> > > >doubt it will mean a wild swing toward >>> >> > promiscuity or >> >>>> > > >crime. Tribal behavior does not prove a loss >>> >> > of ''family >> >>>> > > >values.'' It is a fresh expression of them. >>>> > > > >>>> > > >It is true, though, that marriage and the >>> >> > tribe are at >> >>>> > > >odds. As many ex-girlfriends will ruefully >>> >> > tell you, >> >>>> > > >loyalty to the tribe can wreak havoc on >>> >> > romantic >> >>>> > > >relationships. Not surprisingly, marriage >>> >> > usually signals >> >>>> > > >the beginning of the end of tribal membership. >>> >> > From inside >> >>>> > > >the group, marriage can seem like a risky >>> >> > gambit. When >> >>>> > > >members of our tribe choose to get married, >>> >> > the rest of us >> >>>> > > >talk about them with grave concern, as if >>> >> > they've joined a >> >>>> > > >religion that requires them to live in a >>> >> > guarded compound. >> >>>> > > > >>>> > > >But we also know that the urban tribe can't >>> >> > exist forever. >> >>>> > > >Those of us who have entered our mid-30's find >>> >> > ourselves >> >>>> > > >feeling vaguely as if we're living in the >>> >> > latter episodes >> >>>> > > >of ''Seinfeld'' or ''Friends,'' as if the plot >>> >> > lines of our >> >>>> > > >lives have begun to wear thin. >>>> > > > >>>> > > >So, although tribe membership may delay >>> >> > marriage, that is >> >>>> > > >where most of us are still heading. And it >>> >> > turns out there >> >>>> > > >may be some good news when we get there. >>> >> > Divorce rates have >> >>>> > > >leveled off. Tim Heaton, a sociologist at >>> >> > Brigham Young >> >>>> > > >University, says he believes he knows why. In >>> >> > a paper to be >> >>>> > > >published next year, he argues that it is >>> >> > because people >> >>>> > > >are getting married later. >>>> > > > >>>> > > >Could it be that we who have been biding our >>> >> > time in happy >> >>>> > > >tribes are now actually grown up enough to >>> >> > understand what >> >>>> > > >we need in a mate? What a fantastic twist -- >>> >> > we ''never >> >>>> > > >marrieds'' may end up revitalizing the very >>> >> > institution >> >>>> > > >we've supposedly been undermining. >>>> > > > >>>> > > >And there's another dynamic worth considering. >>> >> > Those of us >> >>>> > > >who find it so hard to leave our tribes will >>> >> > not choose >> >>>> > > >marriage blithely, as if it is the inevitable >>> >> > next step in >> >>>> > > >our lives, the way middle-class high-school >>> >> > kids choose >> >>>> > > >college. When we go to the altar, we will be >>> >> > sacrificing >> >>>> > > >something precious. In that sacrifice, we may >>> >> > begin to >> >>>> > > >learn to treat our marriages with the >>> >> > reverence they need >> >>>> > > >to survive. >>>> > > > >>>> > > >Ethan Watters is a writer living in San >>>> > > >Francisco. >>>> > > > >>> >> > _________________________________________________________________ Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp